Family Worship and Discipleship

Yesterday I linked to some articles on family-integrated church. One of its proponents is Voddie Baucham. Nick Kennicott has some videos by Baucham on "the responsibility of parents in discipling their children on a regular basis through teaching the Bible and being committed to daily family worship."

The Purpose of the Church

In our house meeting, we've been talking about what it means to be the church. One of the things we saw is that the church exists to point people to God by pointing them to the cross. Or to say it another way, the church exists to magnify the glory of God through the gospel of Christ.

One of the places where we looked at this was in Ephesians 1-3. Ephesians 3:21 says, "To him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." The church has been called the theatre of God's glory. In other words, God's perfections are displayed in the church. In particular, the book of Ephesians highlights the glory of God's grace and of his wisdom.

Ephesians 1:6 says that God's blessings for the church are "to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves." Everything God has done for the church in Christ (Ephesians 1:3-2:10) - from choosing us before the creation of the world to seating us with him in the heavenly realms - displays and indeed trumpets the glory of his grace.

We are beneficiaries of this grace through the gospel: "And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation" (Eph. 1:13). There is nothing good in us to merit the blessings of God. We are by nature objects of wrath not blessing (Eph. 2:3). It is solely on the basis of Christ's life, death, resurrection and exaltation (the gospel) that we receive God's mercy, "in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus" (Eph. 2:7).

Ephesians 3:10 further declares that God's purpose is "that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms." The wisdom of God is seen in his plan to extend his grace to all peoples, so that Jews and Gentiles - indeed all races - can be reconciled to God, united in one body, and given hope in Christ (Ephesians 2:11-18). Paul elaborates on this as “the mystery of Christ,” which is “that through the gospel the Gentiles are heirs together with Israel, members together of one body, and sharers together in the promise in Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 3:6).

One of the implications of connecting the gospel and the glory of God is that glorifying God and making disciples are intertwined. We also see this in the Great Commandment (Matthew 22:37-39), where love for God and love for our neighbor are interconnected. And the apostle Paul placed the two together when he said of his ministry: “All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God” (2 Corinthians 4:15). Thus: The church glorifies God by proclaiming the gospel.

Families in Church

I like what John Piper says about families being together in church gatherings:

Children should see how Mom and Dad bow their heads in earnest prayer during the prelude and other non-directed times. They should see how Mom and Dad sing praises to God with joy in their faces, and how they listen hungrily to His Word. They should catch the spirit of their parents meeting the living God.

Some churches pursue the idea of "families together" in a more formal way. Bonnie Pritchett writes an article about Family-Integrated Churches, which are described like this:

There is no hard-and-fast definition for a family-integrated church, but similarities in the structure are what bind them together as well as the families that make up their membership.

As the preaching pastor of Grace Family Baptist Church in Spring, a flagship FIC congregation, Voddie Baucham identified four distinctives in his book “Family-Driven Faith:
1) Families worship together,
2) there is no systematic segregation of ages,
3) evangelism and discipleship are accomplished in and through homes, and
4) education is emphasized as a key component of discipleship often through homeschooling.

Jim Hamilton has a Q & A on Family Integrated Churches where he shares this definition:

I would define “family integrated church” as a church that is committed to keeping families together and not breaking them up at an institutional level. Within this broad definition, there is, of course a spectrum. At the strictest end of the spectrum would be a church whose mission statement would be along the lines of “discipling dads to disciple families.” Such a church might not have Sunday School classes divided by ages–so the children and the teens and the adults might all be in the same Sunday School class together. Churches on this stricter end might lean toward having fathers leading their own families in taking communion as families.

At the looser end of the spectrum are those who would say that the mission of the church is not simply to “disciple dads” but to “make disciples.” These churches would probably have “age-appropriate” instruction, and they would probably take communion as a whole church and avoid breaking the church up into family units at communion (I hope I’m not misrepresenting the more strict versions of FIC groups here).

House churches often encourage parents to have their children in the meeting with the rest of the group (and for the children to participate as they are able). One of the things we have to be careful of here is judging one's parenting by how well-behaved their children are.

Reflections on Parenting, Part 2

Several years ago I shared ten lessons I had learned about being a father with the church family that I was pastoring at the time:

1. Have clear biblical convictions. This doesn't mean you smother your children with rules and regulations. But don't be a passive parent. You can't shove your faith on your children, but you can instruct them and encourage them and point them to the truth that is in Christ.

2. Be consistent and firm in your discipline. I shudder when parents "threaten" punishment over and over again, yet don't do anything. The expression "or else..." should be banished from a parent's vocabulary. Make known the consequences for wrong behavior and then follow through with it gently and compassionately.

3. Love your wife. I heard it said early in my walk with God that loving my wife was the most important thing I could do for my children. So I've tried to practice it - first, because it's a great joy to love her, and second, because it's good for my children.

4. Have supper together as a family. Or breakfast. Or lunch. The actual mealtime is not as important as the time for everyone to be together. It's also a good opportunity to read the Bible together, or have family "devotions."

5. Be affectionate. Not all men are good at hugs and kisses and "I love you's." It's one thing I said I wanted to do with my kids even before they were born. It's also something that I could have practiced more.

6. Try to say "yes" as much as possible. There have been many times when my wife and I have had to say "no" to our children. But we also let them know that we were going to trust them with more and more responsibility as they grew older and gained our trust. So we had to learn to say "yes" to them, to give them the opportunity to learn responsibility.

7. Laugh together. Some of my fondest memories are of gut-busting, milk-out-your-nose, uncontrollable laughter at the dinner table. The times that happened were too few and far between, but were they ever fun.

8. Make it a priority to gather with the church. The Bible calls Sunday "the Lord's Day." We made it a point for our family to meet with God's family to praise him on his day.

9. Teach and model the ways of God from the very beginning. I suspect that much of the deep parental molding is done by the time a child gets to the early teen years, although it's better to start late than not at all. The first nine chapters of Proverbs have great wisdom to teach children.

10. Commit your child to God. "Unless the Lord builds the house its builders labor in vain" (Psalm 127:1). This is not only a warning but also an encouragement. It is good to know that we are not alone in the task of parenting, but that God himself is the builder of our home. Ultimately my most important role as a father is to pray for my children, a role that goes on even after they "leave the nest."

Reflections on Parenting, Part 1

Back on topic, but with a shift of focus to parenting. Jim Martin shares some thoughts On Being a Parent. It's a list of ten things he might do if he had it to do over. His last item is similar to something we often say as well about our children:

10. There is absolutely nothing that mattered to us, regarding our children, more than their relationship with God. More than popularity, athletics, grades, money, etc. More than anything, we wanted them to grow up learning to love God.

If you're a parent, what are things you would do if you had it to do over? It might be something you did that was good. Or something that you did wrong that you would get rid of. Or something you learned later on in life that you would go back and change.

Tomorrow I'll post some reflections on fatherhood that I wrote out a few years ago for our church family at the time.

Identity Theft

Off topic: I thought I'd pass on a reminder of how easy it is to get suckered into giving out personal information. Larry MacDonald at Canadian Business Online highlights the book The Canadian Guide to Protecting Yourself from Identity Theft and Other Fraud by Graham McWaters and Gary Ford, and recounts this story:

One day, Mr. Dougherty received a phone call. After identifying himself as Peter from the Security Department of MasterCard, the caller went on to say: “Our records show your card has been flagged for an abnormal purchase pattern, and I’m calling to authenticate …. Did you purchase an anti-telemarketing device for $397.55 from a marketing company based in California?”

“No.” Mr. Dougherty replied.

“Then we will be issuing a credit to your account for that amount,” said Peter. Next, Mr. Dougherty was asked if he could verify that the card had not been lost or stolen by reading the three numbers following the 16-digit number. He obliged.

Days later, Mr. Dougherty began to notice numerous charges on his credit card that didn’t make sense. It was then he realized he had been the victim of a telephone fraud.

Divorce and Remarriage

Denny Burk provides a helpful summary of some recent debate on divorce and remarriage (see the article for links).

Does God permit divorce? Not all evangelicals agree on what the Bible teaches on this question. David Instone-Brewer has written a scholarly book on the subject, but his recent article in Christianity Today has stirred up some conversation in the blogosphere. Instone-Brewer argues that God allows for divorce in cases of adultery, abandonment, and physical/emotional neglect. John Piper has responded that Instone-Brewer’s conclusions do not faithfully render the Bible’s teaching. Piper also argues that divorce is not allowed under any circumstances. Andreas Köstenberger responds to both of these articles arguing that Jesus permitted divorce in cases of adultery and abandonment.

How do we deal with this diversity of views in the church? Although Piper argues that divorce is not allowed under any circumstances, the church that he pastors has a Statement on Divorce and Remarriage (pdf) that recognizes the different convictions on this subject. I believe this is the kind of unity that churches need to strive for.

Pastor John and some of our elders do not share the same understanding of divorce and remarriage. This disagreement has not been divisive, nor has it diminished their respect and love for one another.

The reason and need for the church's statement can be summed up in these paragraphs:

Church discipline cannot be based on the convictions of a pastor or of a small group of leaders. The Bible says that a matter of discipline is to be taken "to the church" (Matthew 18:17). This means that under the Lord the church is the final court of appeal in all church discipline. This is only possible if the leadership and the church are largely in agreement on the matter at hand.

No one in leadership can be asked to act against his conscience (Romans 14). Therefore each pastor will teach and counsel and perform marriages according to his personal conviction within the parameters of this statement. But when it comes to church membership and church discipline we must find a level of expectation for marital relations that we can agree no member of Bethlehem may violate while remaining a member in good standing.

In other words what we need is a statement of the kind of divorce and remarriage which the church, as a concerned and responsible body, will regard as clearly outside the Biblical limits of what is acceptable.

Books on Marriage

What book on marriage do you recommend? I've mentioned before that I like H. Dale Burke's Different by Design. I've recently come across reviews for Dave Harvey's When Sinners Say "I Do" that have whetted my appetite to read it.

Marriage is the union of two people who arrive at the altar toting some surprisingly large luggage. Often it gets opened right there on the honeymoon, sometimes it waits for the week after. The Bible calls it sin and understanding its influence can make all the difference for a man and woman who are building a life together. When Sinners Say "I Do" is about encountering the life-transforming power of the gospel in the unpredictable journey of marriage.

Westminster Press has an Interview with Dave Harvey, Author of When Sinners Say “I Do” (HT: The Reformed Evangelist).

Tim Challies is one of the reviews that recommend the book.

Remembrance Day

A Day of Remembrance from Veterans Affair Canada.

We often take for granted our Canadian values and institutions, our freedom to participate in cultural and political events, and our right to live under a government of our choice. The Canadians who went off to war in distant lands went in the belief that the values and beliefs enjoyed by Canadians were being threatened. They truly believed that "Without freedom there can be no ensuring peace and without peace no enduring freedom."

Marriage Mentoring

Sabrina Beasley has several articles on the Family Life website about mentoring younger couples:

Are You Ready to Be a Mentor?
The Dos and Don'ts of Mentoring
Young Couples Need Your Help!

Beasley writes in "Young Couples Need Your Help!":

Historically, it was parents that took a role in shaping the lives of young couples, but in recent years, our society has veered away from dependence on extended family. In addition to that, parents often come from a background of divorce and have a difficult time understanding marriage themselves. As a result, they find it hard to mentor their children in an area where they have been hurt or don't understand.

That's why mentoring is so important—someone must fill the void. Mentoring takes place when older married couples in the church are willing to invest in the lives of younger people, showing them what marriage is meant to be. Sometimes it involves guiding and teaching in a private setting; other times, it just involves a willingness to share.

Have you been involved in a mentoring relationship like this? Is it helpful?

Love Languages in Marriage

I've posted briefly about love languages before. Here are some sessions from Redeemer Presbyterian Church On Love and Love Languages, plus Communication Skills (session 2), and Forgiveness and Reconciliation (session 3).

The concept is this:

Often love is being "sent" in a marriage, but it is not "received". In the same way, a radio signal may be sent out on one frequency, but the receiver does not respond if it is tuned to another. For example, the husband may be sending “I love you” by being very sensual and romantic toward his wife, but he doesn’t listen sympathetically to her when she wants to talk about the things that discourage her. She insists “I don’t feel you love me!” He insists: “But I do love you!” He is “sending” his love on a frequency that she is not tuned into.

There can be problems with this concept when we use it as a way of getting what we want, or if we fail to address the fundamental issue of selfishness and sin. But the love language concept can help to deepen our knowledge of our spouse and of ways to love them.

Marriage and Sanctification

I've found that Jim Martin often has good things to say about marriage. I mean that in both senses - that is, he affirms marriage as good, and he says good things. Here's something he has written recently on Marriage and Following Christ:

Why is marriage difficult? There are many reasons that we could give. Fundamentally, however, marriage is difficult for us because every married person has married a sinner. You married a sinner, and your spouse did as well. At the heart of that truth is the implication that we have a tendency to look after ourselves and depend on other things instead of God. There is something in us as broken people who have a tendency to pursue self-interests.

This is true no matter how great the person I married is. No matter how committed I am. No matter how much I love him or her, Yet, God has a way of redeeming our marriages and helping us move toward Him. God has a way of redeeming these marriages so that they become relationships characterized by self-giving, service, and love.

Along these lines, Randy Newman writes in his book Questioning Evangelism about "the countless ways a marriage transforms selfish people into sacrificial ones." He says, "Marriage promotes growth toward sanctification, making husbands and wives more like Christ and less like Adam and Eve" (p. 184). And "marriage is a package deal - exposing us, humbling us, breaking and perfecting us along the way" (p. 185). And:

Marriage makes us better because it shows how bad we are. Lifelong, unconditional commitment makes us more giving because it exposes how selfish we are. Loving someone who doesn't deserve love makes us more like the God who loved us "while we were still sinners" (Rom. 5:8). Unlike any other tool, then, marriage drives home the two-pronged message of the gospel: that we are "more wicked and sinful than we ever dared believe but, in Christ, we are more accepted and loved than we ever dared hope" (p. 186).

Oh, if you're wondering what a chapter on marriage is doing in a book on evangelism:

As stated in chapter 3, proclaiming [the] gospel message often requires preparation - pushing in the clutch before shifting gears. That preparation - building, you will recall, a plausibility structure - sometimes involves a positive apologetic for God's design for marriage (p. 186).

November Topic: Marriage and Family

I'll be linking to articles on marriage and family this month. I suspect there's a lot of material on the internet, so I'll try to focus on links that connect marriage and family life to the church and its ministry.

I'm going to start off with a FREE OFFER. Many years ago, when cassette tapes were still used by some people, I bought a few copies of John Piper's message "Marriage Lived for the Glory of God" (the audio used to be on the CBMW site, but I can't locate it anymore. If anyone has a link, please let me know). I gave these to couples that I was counseling - after making sure that they had access to a cassette player, of course. I still have eight of them left. So if you live in Canada or the United States and would like to have one of them, email me at aeonsedge(at)gmail(dot)com.