Peacemaker Resources

I've used Ken Sande's book The Peacemaker as the outline for my blog posts this month. Peacemaker Ministries has many good resources for personal peacemaking, as well as peacemaking in churches, marriages, business, etc.

One of their articles is on Relational Commitments for local churches. These commitments several important purposes:

• They remind church members of their mutual commitment to work together to pursue unity, maintain friendships, preserve marriages, and build relationships that reflect the love of Christ.
• They help to prevent surprises, disappointed expectations, confusion and conflict by describing how church members and leaders expect to relate to one another within the church.
• They provide a clear track for a church to run on when conflict threatens to divide them, and they show how to move quickly toward reconciliation.
• They establish guidelines for how the church leaders will counsel others, guard confidential information, and protect children from abuse.
• They define and limit the spiritual authority of the church leaders and thereby insure that all members are treated fairly.
• Finally, they reduce the church's exposure to legal liability by clearly establishing its relational practices and by affirming a mutual commitment to resolve conflict biblically.

I've always been in favor of a short church covenant/constitution. Yet I can see a need for extensive statements like these. What are the benefits and drawbacks?

Esteeming One Another in a Conflict

Last week Rob Wilkerson blogged on How to Treat Others With Whom You Disagree. He applies the gospel to a disagreement and counsels:

Try this next time you find yourself disagreeing with a brother or sister in Christ, especially over something that gets your feathers ruffled...something that makes you irritated...something that hurts your feelings...something that offends you. Repeat to yourself the gospel truths about how God views you.

• You've been made right God through Christ.
• God has forgiven you of all your sin - past, present, and future because of Christ.
• God has poured out the riches of His blessings on you in Christ.
• You have peace with God through the Lord Jesus Christ.
• You've been reconciled to the Father and made His friend.
• He has promised His eternal love and favor toward you because of Christ.
• He will never allow anything to remove you from His preserving Hand.

Now, apply these same gospel truths to the one with whom you disagree, the one who offends or irritates.

Of course, we should still work to resolve the differences. But one of the things I say to married couples when they have a conflict is to remember that their spouse is not the enemy. The same is true of our fellow believers in a church conflict. The gospel enables us to treat the other person with esteem and not hatred.

Articles on Conflict Resolution

Monergism.com has listed quite a few articles on Conflict in the Church. I didn't read through all of them but it looks like a good resource.

The article A Guide to Godly Disputation by John Newton comes highly recommended by the site. It was written by Newton in response to a minister who was about to write an article criticizing a fellow minister for his lack of orthodoxy (sounds like it would have relevance for some of disputes in the blogworld). Newton's counsel included this:

This leads me, in the last place, to consider your own concern in your present undertaking. It seems a laudable service to defend the faith once delivered to the saints; we are commanded to contend earnestly for it, and to convince gainsayers. If ever such defenses were seasonable and expedient they appear to be so in our own day, when errors abound on all sides and every truth of the gospel is either directly denied or grossly misrepresented. And yet we find but very few writers of controversy who have not been manifestly hurt by it. Either they grow in a sense of their own importance, or imbibe an angry, contentious spirit, or they insensibly withdraw their attention from those things that are the food and immediate support of the life of faith, and spend their time and strength upon matters that are at most but of a secondary value. This shows, that if the service is honorable, it is dangerous. What will it profit a man if he gains his cause and silences his adversary, if at the same time he loses that humble, tender frame of spirit in which the Lord delights, and to which the promise of his presence is made? Your aim, I doubt not, is good; but you have need to watch and pray for you will find Satan at your right hand to resist you; he will try to debase your views; and though you set out in defense of the cause of God, if you are not continually looking to the Lord to keep you, it may become your own cause, and awaken in you those tempers that are inconsistent with true peace of mind, and will surely obstruct communion with God.

Dealing with Persistent Sin

Brian Chesemore has a short article on “How do I maintain perspective when I am so often sinned against?” in a marriage relationship. He emphasizes the need to focus on the gospel:

... the gospel reminds us that God sent his blameless Son to die for such sins.

Such a gospel reminder, rightly meditated upon, will keep your heart full of mercy towards your spouse. A sinning spouse needs your prayers. Their tendency to sin against you only reveals their primary need for the fear of God and humility before him.

But not only does the other person's tendency to sin reveal their need for the gospel. We also need the gospel. Which is Chesemore's second point: "Your spouse’s sin must never be more grieving to you than your own sin against God."

Overcoming Unforgiveness

This Sunday, here's a message from John Piper on Battling the Unbelief of Bitterness. This is his summary of his four main points on how to battle bitterness or unforgiveness:

1. Believe that what the Great Physician says is good advice. If he says, "Put away anger," don't ignore the counsel. Put it in your mind and resolve to keep it.

2. Believe that you are forgiven, and that being forgiven by an infinitely holy God is an awesome thing.

3. Believe that vengeance belongs to God, that he will repay those who do wrong.

4. Believe that God's purpose in all your trials is to turn the cause of your anger for your good.

BTW, to understand a little bit of what Piper means by forgiveness, I thought I'd include a definition by Thomas Watson that Piper quotes favorably in another sermon: "When we strive against all thoughts of revenge; when we will not do our enemies mischief, but wish well to them, grieve at their calamities, pray for them, seek reconciliation with them, and show ourselves ready on all occasions to relieve them" (Body of Divinity, p. 581).

Repentance and Forgiveness

Should forgiveness be offered without repentance? Jared Wilson at BCC Is Broken is an example of someone who says yes.

Forgiveness is not dependent upon repentance. You don't have to be sorry for what you've done for me to forgive you. This is why "Forgiveness is the duty of the forgiven" is so important, because it makes my forgiving you about glorifying God (because of what He's done for me). Forgiveness necessarily entails a seeking amends with the offender, but it is not contingent upon the offender's interest in seeking forgiveness.

However, Allison Stevens in an RBC Ministries article takes the side of those who say that forgiveness should not be extended without repentance.

Unconditional forgiveness is canceling a debt to all those who intentionally offend us, whether or not they own up to what they have done. Offering forgiveness without repentance, however, does not follow the biblical model of forgiveness (Luke 17:3,4).

I've heard this point made before and have not adopted it. What makes me more accepting of it now is this point by Stevens:

It's wrong, however, to assume that if we don't forgive someone, we'll be weighed down with hatred, bitterness, and revengeful desires. That's not necessarily true because the Bible says we are to love a person regardless of whether or not he or she shows any remorse. We can love our enemies, but continue to have an unsettled issue with them.

I think part of the issue here is how we define forgiveness, and if I understand Stevens correctly, there isn't a lot of difference in practice between his position and those (like myself) who say we should forgive even before the other person repents.

Stevens seems to make forgiveness = reconciliation (i.e., all four promises in Sande's definition that I mentioned in my previous post). But even though we don't extend forgiveness/reconciliation until there has been repentance, we must still practice love toward the person who has wronged us.

Those who say that we should forgive even when there is no repentance sometimes understand forgiveness as having two parts or as a two stage process. First, there is forgiveness in terms of my own spirit and my relationship with God. It is a "promise to strive to maintain a loving and merciful attitude toward someone who has offended you" (Sande, The Peacemaker, p. 190). We should do this even if the other person does not repent.

Second, there is forgiveness in terms a reconciled relationship (the final three promises in Sande's definition). We cannot experience this until there is repentance.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Reconciliation is the final step in resolving a conflict. To be reconciled means to replace hostility and separation with peace and friendship. Normally, two things must happen for complete reconcilation to occur. First, the personal offenses that separated the opponents must be laid to rest through confession and forgiveness. Second, the material issues of the conflict must be resolved by negotiating a mutually satisfactory agreement (Sande, The Peacemaker, p. 183).

According to Sande, there are four promises we make when we decide to forgive someone:

1. "I will not dwell on this incident."
2. "I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you."
3. "I will not talk to others about this incident."
4. "I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship."

Many questions come up as we try to put this into practice. Such as:

• Most people do not make these promises when they forgive someone. They offer forgiveness more as a conditional "ceasefire" agreement. In such cases, the issues have often not been worked through. What do we do with superficial "forgiveness"?
  
• There are times when the other person refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing. Should we wait for confession/repentance before we forgive?
  
• When someone comes to us and repents of their sin against us, we have an obligation to forgive. What if we can't forgive (make these four promises)? How do we overcome unforgiveness?

We'll address some of these questions over the next few posts.

Vacation note: We got home from the east coast on Sunday evening (a few pictures here of our trip). I'm still catching up on my rest after driving 2400 km. Anyway, we stopped in Toronto on Saturday night, and decided to attend Bramalea Baptist Church on Sunday morning. The pastor spoke on Matthew 18:21-35 and the topic of forgiveness. One of the points he made was that the unmerciful servant was owed a good amount of money by the second servant (3 months wages, not a few dollars as the NIV says). The debt was significant. But in light of the millions he was forgiven, he should have been merciful to the second servant just as he was shown mercy. Translated to the matter of forgiveness: We may be willing to forgive a small offense, but will we forgive when the wrong against us is considerable and significant?

The Resolution Process

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector" (Matthew 18:15-17).

This seems pretty straitghtforward: When we cannot overlook an offense, we are to go and talk in private with the individual we have a conflict with. When we have exhausted that route, and there is no reconciliation, we are to take one or two others along to mediate/arbitrate/conciliate. When that route leads nowhere, then we are to tell it to the church. And if the individual still refuses to be reconciled, we are to treat him or her as an unbeliever (church discipline).

Having said that, I appreciate this counsel from Thabiti Anyabwile on church discipline:

It is important for church leaders to realize that the practice of church discipline is very misunderstood by many, and unknown to most people today. Before exercising discipline, except in the clearest and most egregious cases, care should be taken to (1) build a healthy culture of meaningful church membership where people are committed to and invest in each other’s lives, (2) teach the congregation that discipline is an act of love (1 Cor. 5:1-5), (3) recognize that the vast majority of discipline is formative, positive growth that occurs as the Word is preached and applied, and (4) make sure the leadership understands how to lovingly and wisely administer corrective discipline when needed.

How to Confront Gracefully and Wisely

Dennis and Barbara Rainey write on How can I resolve conflict well in my marriage? What they share about loving confrontation between spouses could apply to other relationships as well:

Confronting your spouse with grace and tactfulness requires wisdom, patience, and humility. Here are a few other tips we've found useful:

Check your motivation. Will your words help or hurt? Will bringing this up cause healing, wholeness, and oneness, or further isolation?

Check your attitude. Loving confrontation says, "I care about you. I respect you and I want you to respect me. I want to know how you feel." Don't hop on your bulldozer and run your partner down. Don't pull up with your dump truck and start unloading all the garbage you've been saving. Approach your partner lovingly.

Check the circumstances. This includes timing, location, and setting. Don't confront your spouse, for example, when he or she is tired from a hard day's work, or in the middle of settling a squabble between the children.

Check to see what other pressures may be present. Be sensitive to where your spouse is coming from. What's the context of your spouse's life right now?

During the discussion, stick to one issue at a time. Don't bring up several. Don't save up a series of complaints and let your spouse have them all at once.

Focus on the problem, rather than the person. For example, you need a budget and your mate is something of a spendthrift. Work through the plans for finances and make the lack of budget the enemy, not your mate.

Focus on the facts rather than judging motives. If your partner forgets to make an important call, deal with the consequences of what you both have to do next rather than say, "You're so careless; you just do things to irritate me."

Above all, focus on understanding your spouse rather than on who is winning or losing. When your spouse confronts you, listen carefully to what is said and what isn't said. It may be that he is upset about something that happened at work and you're getting nothing more than the brunt of that pressure. In other words, you are not the problem and all your spouse is trying to do is express some pent-up frustrations and feelings.

Confrontation Instead of Gossip

John Piper has a recent "Fresh Word" on Talking to People Rather Than about Them. This is important counsel for those in a conflict.

Let’s not talk to others about people’s faults. Let’s talk to them about their faults. It is easy—and far too tasty on the tongue of our sinful souls—to talk about people. But it is hard—and often tastes bitter—to talk to them. When you are talking about them, they can’t correct you or turn the tables and make you the problem. But if you talk to them about a problem, it can be very painful. So it feels safer to talk about people rather than talking to them.

Listening in a Conflict

It shouldn't be surprising that good communication skills are needed when we confront somebody about their wrongdoing. What kind of skills? This may be counterintuitive, but going to someone and telling them their fault requires good listening skills as much as knowing how to speak to them. Tim and Joy Downs make the point in their article Fighting Fair:

Pick out a board game—any game will do. Now take off the lid, turn it over, and search for these words:

"Roll the dice to see who goes first. Play proceeds clockwise. . . . " All games include directions to make sure everyone knows whose turn it is. But conflict, as you recall, is a game without rules. In a disagreement it isn't always easy to know who goes first, who comes next, and who just got left out.

There's a simple set of instructions that can help create order out of this chaos. In the game of conflict, the order of play goes like this: Listen long; then speak short—and don't forget to pass the dice.

Sounds easy, doesn't it? It's not. Being a good listener is hard. When you do it right, the game proceeds nicely and both of you get to play; when you spend too much time speaking to listen well, each of you thinks it's his turn and both players are scrambling for the dice.

Listening skills include:

1. Listen with everything you've got.
2. Listen with an open mind.
3. Listen with your heart, not just your head.
4. Listen to what isn't being said.
5. Listen until the other person is satisfied.

Ken Sande in The Peacemaker (pp. 149-156) talks about these skills:

1. Wait patiently while others talk.
2. Attend: Keep your mind fully present and concentrate when others are talking.
3. Clarify with questions and statements to understand what the other person is thinking.
4. Reflect back the other person's main points in a contructive way.
5. Agree with what is true in what the other person has said.

Birth Announcement!

No, not for Maureen and me.

One of the great things about this blogging experience is the opportunity to meet people from all over the place. And even though we hardly know each other - apart from what we read on our blogs - there is a certain connection of thought and interest in each other's lives. An individual I've gotten to know a little is Jason Vaughn, who is a student at The Master's Seminary. Jason has just become a dad. Congratulations!

Speaking of being a father, Tim Challies has just posted a review of Tedd Tripp's book Shepherding Your Child's Heart. I'm in the process of reading it now. I tell people that I wish I had read the book twenty years ago, when our first child came along. It's not that God's word hasn't been enough to teach Maureen and I how to parent. Or that God hasn't been gracious in our three children's lives. It's just that, as far as parenting books go, Tripp's book is over and above the best I've read.

Whose Responsibility Is It to Make Peace?

When we have wronged someone, it is our responsibility to take the peacemaking initiative. Jesus said it like this: "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift" (Matthew 5:23-24).

Even though we may balk at doing this because it means we have to admit we were wrong, most of us realize that this is the right thing to do. If I have offended someone, I should own up to it and approach them about it.

By the same logic, when we have been wronged against, it's only fair that the other person should take the initiative and speak to us.

But that's not Jesus' teaching: "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you" (Matthew 18:15). In other words, when we are the one who has been hurt by someone, and it is not possible for us to overlook the wrong, it is also our responsibility to approach the other person about it.

So whether we have wronged someone or they have wronged us, the initiative falls on us to make peace. Now if everybody practiced this....

When to Overlook and When to Confront in a Conflict

Part three of The Peacemaker by Ken Sande is about the need to "Go and Show Your Brother His Fault."

Once you have identified God's concerns and taken responsibility for your contributions to a conflict, it may be necessary to talk to others about their shortcomings. Many people do not like to confront others. This is especially true in modern society, where the accepted rule is "you mind your business and I'll mind mine" (p. 219).

Proverbs 19:11 says, "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense." Some things are not worth fighting over. Many times the best way to resolve a conflict is to overlook a wrong done against us. Of course, if we overlook an offense, we can't store it away as ammunition for a future conflict.

But there are times when we should not overlook an offense. Sometimes I'll bring up the title of David Augsburger's book Caring Enough Not to Forgive, just for its shock value. The basic premise is that there are times when we have to confront wrongdoing and deal with it before forgiveness is granted.

When should we confront and when do we overlook a wrong? John MacArthur has an article, adapted from his book The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness, in which he addresses How can we know when it is best to forgive or confront?

1. Whenever possible, especially if the offense is petty or unintentional, it is best to forgive unilaterally.

2. If you are the only injured party, even if the offense was public and flagrant, you may choose to forgive unilaterally.

3. If you observe a serious offense that is a sin against someone other than you, confront the offender.

4. When ignoring an offense might hurt the offender, confront the guilty party.

5. When a sin is scandalous or otherwise potentially damaging to the body of Christ, the guilty party should be confronted.

6. Any time an offense results in a broken relationship, confrontation of the sinner should occur.

How Can I Change?

Confessing our sins in a conflict needs to be followed up with a commitment to change. In C. J. Mahaney and Robin Boisvert's book How Can I Change? they share these "tools of the trade" - things that the Holy Spirit uses in his sanctifying role to change us (you can read the book on-line to flesh out the outline below):

The Word of God

Set aside a regular time to read the Bible … and make sure you keep the appointment.

Commit yourself to a specific plan of study.

Find someone who will help you.

Hide God’s Word in your heart by memorizing Scripture.

A Clear Conscience

Conscience acts as a warning light on the dashboard of our lives, and we need to heed its flashing. The procedure is the same as any auto mechanic would follow: determine the source of the difficulty and then set about to correct it. Usually the solution involves confessing sin and asking forgiveness.

Prayer

Prayer as a cry for deliverance from sin.

Prayer as a request for guidance.

Prayer as submission to the will of God.

Self-Denial and a Life of Discipleship

Trials Along the Way

The Place of the Law

The Church

The Sacraments

Worship and Praise

Confessing Sin in Conflict

If you're not familiar with The Seven A's of Peacemaking, check them out.

As God opens your eyes to see how you have sinned against others, he simultaneously offers you a way to find freedom from your past wrongs. It is called confession. Many people have never experienced this freedom because they have never learned how to confess their wrongs honestly and unconditionally. Instead, they use words like these: "I'm sorry if I hurt you." "Let's just forget the past." "I suppose I could have done a better job." "I guess it's not all your fault." These token statements rarely trigger genuine forgiveness and reconciliation. If you really want to make peace, ask God to help you breathe grace by humbly and thoroughly admitting your wrongs. One way to do this is to use the Seven A's.

When I do counseling with couples (including premarital counseling), I usually go through these wiht them. I especially emphasize point number 2: "Avoid if, but, and maybe (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)."

Acknowledging My Own Sin in a Conflict

Jared at BCC Is Broken has been blogging about the conflict and healing at Bellevue Community Church. In the process he's sharing thoughts on what biblical peacemaking requires of us. One thing it requires is that we stop what he calls "blame transference syndrome."

The first step to repentance is not acknowledging that some offense was caused. It's not the whole "Mistakes were made" vagueness. It's not the "If I hurt you . . ." rhetorical dance. That's Blame Transference Syndrome kicking in. The first step in repentance is acknowledging one's sin, acknowledging the sin as sin. It is owning up, not passing the buck. It is specific and it is resolute, not vague and generally apologetic.

I said in a previous post that glorifying God in a conflict does not come naturally. Neither does "getting the log out of your own eye." When we acknowledge our sin, we have to acknowledge it first as sin against God, and then as sin against another person. Such humility is not possible apart from the gospel. The gospel brings us to the cross where our sin can be dealt with, not just covered up or masked over. And as Erwin Lutzer has written, "The bottom line is that everything God expects us to do is based on what Christ has already done. Christ crushed sin's power on the Cross; He defeated the enemy of our souls and broke sin's grip" (Why Good People Do Bad Things, p. 134).

Book Tag and Vacation

I've been tagged with the "one book" meme by Ken Sorrell at Returning To Biblical Missions. But since I'm on vacation right now, and I would have to spend wayyyyy too much time thinking about this, I'm going to pass for now. Hope that's okay, Ken. And thanks for the tag!

If anybody else wants to play for me, go to Ken's site and read the categories. Just let me know you're playing cause I'd like to read your selections.

[Update: Check out the research at Kevin Stilley's site on the book meme.]

About our vacation: I'm in Halifax right now with Maureen and two of the kids. We usually come out here once a year since my parents, and my brother and his family are out here. David is home watching the cat (and housekeeping and working).

Conflict Reveals What's In Our Hearts

Carolyn McCulley addresses a common "log in your own eye" in a conflict: We blame the other person or circumstance for making us sin. She shares an analogy from David Powlison to show how this blame game actually points the finger back at us first:

Our words (and thoughts and actions) are the evidence of what is stored up in our hearts, the fruit of what is rooted inside of us.. The circumstances of our lives simply reveal what's taken root in our hearts. When pressed, we either ooze the fruit of the Spirit or the fruit of sin.

Author and biblical counselor Dr. David Powlison uses the sponge analogy to help us understand this passage. If you hold a wet sponge in your hand and squeeze it, water will hit the floor. Most of us would come along and look at the puddle staining the carpet and wonder why someone squeezed the sponge. But Dr. Powlison says this passage in Luke shows us the squeeze only revealed what was already in the sponge. If the sponge were dry, the squeeze would not have elicited any water. The problem wasn't the squeeze; it was the contents of the sponge.

In the same way, when we get squeezed by the circumstances of life (an inevitability), we ooze the overflow of our hearts. We usually don't like what we see, so we blame the squeeze. We blame the circumstances. "I wouldn't have reacted that way if I hadn't been tired." Or, "I only said that because I was hot, thirsty, and uncomfortable." That's our default setting: blame the circumstances.

But Jesus tells us the overflow is what's already in our hearts. Being tired, hot, thirsty, or uncomfortable are only "revealers"; they aren't the reason we react in anger. We're angry because anger has taken root in our hearts.

Read the rest of the article here.

Cravings Underlie Conflict

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God (James 4:1-2).

Joe Lee shares this quote from David Powlison: "James 4:1 teaches that cravings underlie conflict. Couples who see what rules them - cravings for affection, attention, power, vindication, control, comfort, a hassle free life - can repent and begin to learn how to make peace."

Nicole Whitacre, in her article Break Free from a Cycle of Mother-Daughter Conflict, also addresses James 4:1-2 and the problem of our sinful desires. The article borrows from C. J. Mahaney's (her father) message "Cravings and Conflict."

Conflicts don’t create the problem. They reveal the problem. They expose the sinful cravings lurking in our hearts. When we don’t get what we crave, we quarrel and fight. It’s that simple.

Take your most recent conflict, for example. What did you crave that you weren’t getting? Did you want to be left alone, be understood, have your own way, or be in control? Was it that you weren’t getting the appreciation, recognition, or affirmation you thought you deserved?

At first glance, many of these desires don’t seem like a big deal. But when we are willing to fight in order to get them, it’s a sure sign they are a bigger deal than we think. They have developed into sinful cravings. As Dr. Powlison (paraphrasing John Calvin) writes: "The evil in our desires often lies not in what we want but that we want it too much."

Our own evil desires — and not the other person’s — must be our first and chief concern. God reminds us in James 4 that the root cause of conflict is the "passions that are at war within you" (emphasis added). Not the other person, but you. So if we point our finger before repenting of our own sinful cravings, we’ve strayed from the path that leads out of Conflict Jungle.

Your Attitude in a Conflict

I'm blogging about resolving conflict this month, using Ken Sande's book The Peacemaker as the framework of topics. In the second section of the book, Sande talks about getting the log out of our own eye.

One of those possible "logs" is our attitude. Philippians 4:2-9 provides five basic principles which help us to develop a proper attitude in a conflict:

1. Rejoice in the Lord always.

2. Let your gentleness be evident to all.

3. Replace anxiety with prayer.

4. See things as they really are ... "think deliberately about aspects of your opponent that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable" (p. 78). Good counsel since we tend to focus on the negatives of the other person to bolster our own sense of rightness in the conflict.

[Update: Gary Smalley has an article Moving Toward Unity which offers some practical steps to applying this. He says: "Some of you are thinking, 'I can't do this. I can't think of anything positive.' If you can't do it, go to the Lord. He says He gives His grace to the humble, and the humble person is the one who says, 'I can't do it!'"]

5. Practice what you've learned.

Trusting God in a Conflict

"Just trust God." That is a really lame sentiment ... when you use it as a religious cliche because you don't know what else to say to a person.

On the other hand, when we really do trust God through a difficult situation, it is one of the dynamic and brilliant ways we show his presence and power.

Trusting God does not mean that we will never have questions, doubts, or fears. We cannot simply turn off the natural thoughts and feelings that arise when we face difficult circumstances. Trusting God means that in spite of our questions, doubts, and fears we draw on his grace and continue to believe that God is loving, that he is in control and that he is always working for good, Such trust helps us to continue doing what is good and right, even in difficult circumstances (Sande, The Peacemaker, p. 57).

We can trust God because he is sovereign and because he is good. Mark Lauterbach says of this,

Glorifying God is not vague. It means trusting that the conflict has been given by a good and sovereign God for our good and his glory. God is in the conflict - he is working - it is from him. Conflict tempts us to erase God from the world. We are called to trust God.

And Joe Lee describes a time on his honeymoon (!) when he needed to be reminded of God's sovereignty and grace, and to trust him:

God sovereignly allows conflicts to take place to make us more like Christ. God did not want my marriage to be characterized by my sinful craving of my wife’s approval. He wanted me to see my desperate need for him....

Where sin is revealed, God’s grace is poured out. God’s grace to me was how my wife was responding my encouraging me. My sinful craving caused me to judge my wife and not see the grace that she was extending to me.

Another Look at the Importance of Peace

Jay C. posted an article at SharperIron on Unity Is Fundamental. He writes:

I am concerned about the lack of unity in the state of Fundamentalism today. Perhaps I am being too harsh, but when I look at Fundamentalism through the lens of SharperIron, I sometimes see dozens of little different factions, all fighting against each other. This person holds to one particular version of the Bible. Another sees his brother’s music preference as ungodly, while another believes that his understanding of Christian liberty means that his standard of dress is acceptable to God. Therefore, his fellow Christians are just wrong. What happened to brothers dwelling in unity? Is this not the mindset that Paul addresses in 1 Corinthians 12:12-27? Is not unity among believers “pleasant” (Ps. 133:1-2) and something we are supposed to seek after? Is not unity a form of the fruit of the Holy Spirit at work in our lives, according to Galatians 5:22-23? “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Where are our patience, kindness, and gentleness, especially with those within Fundamentalism whose views differ from our own?

We know about those who hide doctrinal and practical falsehood behind a cloak of "maintaining unity." But in reaction, it sometimes seem like we bang the drum of truth to drown out the voice of unity. Let me be clear on this. I do not believe there can be biblical unity outside of the truth. But at the same time I believe the Bible commands us to strive for unity, not leave it behind at the first opportunity.

Saturday Night Preparation

A few of the suggestions you'll find from John Piper on Prepare to Meet Your God:

1. Set aside some time Saturday night to begin the orientation onto worship. Turn off the television and set your mind on things that above with the word of God and a time of prayer.

2. Go to bed early enough so that you are fresh and emotionally alive Sunday morning. The price of late night movies or parties on Saturday will be powerless worship Sunday morning.

3. Get up in time Sunday so that you do not have to rush to get to church, but have a little time to be alone with God and ask his blessing on you and your family and on the church. I can almost promise you that the depth of your communion with God in the service will be directly proportionate to the way you have sought the Lord for his blessing Saturday night and Sunday morning. This will take some discipline and some planning. But you will probably never turn back once you taste the fruit.

The Bible on Unity and Peace

If there are any doubts that peacemaking and unity are important to God, consider the fact he talks about them so often. Here is just a sample, one passage from almost every book of the New Testament (the omissions are from 2 Peter onward):

• “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God" (Matthew 5:9).

• “Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with each other” (Mark 9:50).

• “As you are going with your adversary to the magistrate, try hard to be reconciled to him on the way, or he may drag you off to the judge, and the judge turn you over to the officer, and the officer throw you into prison" (Luke 12:58).

• “I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me" (John 17:23).

• “All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had" (Acts 4:32).

• “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).

• “I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought” (1 Corinthians 1:10).

• “Finally, brothers, good-by. Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you” (2 Corinthians 13:11).

• “The entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (Galatians 5:14-15).

• “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:2-3).

• “Make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:2-4).

• “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:13-14).

• “Live in peace with each other” (1 Thessalonians 5:13b).

• “Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you" (2 Thessalonians 3:16).

• “I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing" (1 Timothy 2:8).

• “Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22).

• “Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men” (Titus 3:1-2).

• “So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you would welcome me. If he has done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me" (Philemon 17-18).

• “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord” (Hebrews 12:14).

• “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.... But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness” (James 3:13, 17-18).

• “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble” (1 Peter 3:8).

"Stewarding" Conflict

Conflict management is a common term in leadership seminars. In The Peacemaker, Ken Sande talks about "stewarding" conflict, i.e., God has entrusted us with natural abilities and spiritual resources to "manage" conflict in a way consistent with God's word so that it becomes an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God.

Specifically, conflict is an opportunity to glorify God by trusting, obeying and imitating God. In a conflict I need to ask the question: "How can I please and honor God in this situation?"

Furthermore, conflict provides an opportunity to serve others, and an opportunity to grow to be like Christ.

At Solo Femininity, Carolyn McCulley describes how this concept affected her when she first heard this idea of stewarding conflict taught:

I remember the first time I ever heard Ken Sande teach. His message, "The Gift of Conflict," shook me to the core. I had never, ever considered conflict to be an opportunity to glorify God. Until I heard that message, the best I could do was avoid conflict. But even that doesn't work because you can't escape conflict. You can only do your best to avoid confrontation. The conflict still simmers even when the most practiced avoidance techniques kick in.

Of course, glorifying God and serving others and growing to be like Christ are usually the last things on our mind in a conflict situation. But, as McCulley suggests by her statement "the best I could do was avoid conflict," being a steward of conflict enables us to counter our habitual, self-centered responses to conflict (see yesterday's post).

Responses to Conflict

The first section in Ken Sande's book The Peacemaker focuses on glorifying God in a conflict.

When I give God's interests and commands top priority, I invariably see things more clearly and respond to problems more wisely (p. 13).

Unfortunately, we are all wired to respond to conflict in ways that do not give God's interests, commands, or (I would add) honor top priority.

Sande uses The Slippery Slope of Conflict to illustrate how our responses often make conflict go from bad to worse. Either we are more interested in avoiding or getting away from a conflict than resolving it (escape/flight). Or we are more interested in winning a conflict than in preserving a relationship (attack/fight).

Jim Van Yperen (Metanoia Ministries) also has a chart showing the classic responses to conflict. Unfortunately I can't reproduce it. But here's his explanation of them from a Christianity Today interview:

A passive responder is one who is really committed to seeing the love and mercy of God, but they do so at the expense of truth. They are typically those who don't want to deal with conflict in any way, shape, or form. They will keep silent about it. They will deny it. They end up surrendering their relationships with others and really with God.

Evasive responders will know that there is a problem and they will admit it, but they'll run away from it. They want to protect themselves. In doing that they're going to compromise relationships and often twist the truth. Evasive people are very common in the church. In fact, most evangelical churches, I would say, are functionally evasive when it comes to conflict. They're always trying to make it go away by minimizing it.

Defensive responders are pastors or leaders who will respond in a way to promote themselves. And that usually means manipulating relationships and bending the truth. These are folks who will ride one aspect of the problem for all it's worth and ignore some other truths.

Where the passive responder is someone who doesn't want to admit there's any problems, the aggressive responder says, "Let's get at it." He then—through language or sometimes even physically abusive tendencies—attacks or shames. These people are all about power. They want to empower themselves, they control relationships....

The first two responses tend to insist on "love" at the expense of truth, while the latter two tend to force "truth" at the expense of love.

Which kind of responder do you tend to be? I think the better we know ourselves going into a conflict, the more alert we are to our destructive tendencies and hence how we might contribute negatively to the dynamics of the situation. Then we need to learn how to approach the problem redemptively rather than with our habitual response (including confessing and repenting of wrong responses).

August Topic: Dealing with Conflict

I've had a hard time deciding what topic to post on this month, and only decided today to focus on how Christians should face conflict. I'll use Ken Sande's book The Peacemaker as a framework.

Here are a couple of instances where churches have used the material from the book: Mark Lauterbach blogs about it at Gospel Driven Life; Ray Van Neste blogs about it at Oversight of Souls.

I preached a series on it a few years ago, that I posted at AeonsEdge.
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One further note, I'm also going to direct you to Jared Wilson's blog at BCC Is Broken, where he is offering "A place to comment and reflect on the Bellevue Community Church conflict." I hesitate to link to it because I feel like I'm sending people to gawk at a car accident. I don't want to make what is happening at this church (which I know nothing about) into some kind of spectacle. But I hope his blog is not just for the people affected at Bellevue. I appreciate Jared blogging about it and giving us a first-hand perspective of a church going through a conflict. Perhaps his thoughts will help others to work through similar circumstances.